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Today's Herald Sun article, Choose To Say I Do* is a triumph of wilfully misunderstood, possibly invented, statistical figures masquerading as news and social observation. Apparently there's a "huge decline in the number of available men." Not that the article tells us what the original number is but it was definitely hugely greater than the current tally. What it does tell us in no uncertain terms is that things are pretty bloody desperate right now. So ladies, quit being so picky and marry some average blokes already. The Herald Sun breathlessly warns us that 1.3 million Australian women aged between 25-34 are forced to do battle for men from a pool of only 86,000 eligible bachelors. ZOMG, that's a ratio of one man for every 40 women. This is clearly the end of days. According to the church and Kevin Andrews it's because of all these sinful, godless fornicators who choose to live together unwed as (cover your eyes, children) de facto couples. Oh, and that old chestnut about how women these days are so outrageously greedy that they actually have the bare-faced nerve to covet both a career and a family. The cheek of them. But wait. Women don't outnumber men by 40 to 1 in Australia. I walk the streets, I see men everywhere. Some of my best friends are men. We're not, so far as I can tell, in danger of disappearing. So what's this all about? Well, it's about people being disingenuous with statistics. You see, "eligible" according to the statistics quoted by the Herald Sun means men who are single, not gay, not a single parent (what the utter fuck is that about, by the way, as an exclusionary criteria?) and earning more than $60,0000 per year. The actual source of these figures is not revealed, nor is the methodology by which the were collected, although a demographer's name is mentioned more or less in passing. So 1.3 million women IN TOTAL, not filtered through any criteria other than age, are matched against a very restricted criteria for the subset of men. The article does not mention how many women in Australia are aged between 25-24 and are also straight, single, not single mums and earning over $60k per annum. Meanwhile Kevin Andrews, Minister For Getting His Name In The Paper**, has chimed in to assert that it's better to get married before living together by declaring that only "about half of people cohabiting go on to marry the person they are living with and the other half separate." Hang on Kev, why does that mean cohabitation is bad? Doesn't it mean that if they'd all got married first, "about half" of the marriages would have ended in either divorce or desperately unhappy people? Of course the article doesn't bother itself with wondering, even in passing, about the success rate of the actual marriages that come out of cohabiting relationships. Do people who marry after first living together have a higher divorce rate than those who simply jump straight in? Do they have a lower divorce rate? Who cares! Why bother to investigate when we can get all silly with a handful of stats that tell us nothing out of context. In fact, the article does't trouble itself to question any of the statistics raised, examine why the numbers don't add up or apply any kind of rational analysis at all. Hell, it doesn't even bother to question why the obvious solution to this man-drought is for women to MARRY! MARRY NOW. DON'T FUCK ABOUT WITH COHABITING even thought this will actually just further reduce the pool of available men and leave 1.214 million women (1.3 million minus the 86,000 eligible men remaining) without any hope of man-based married happiness for the rest of their lives. Additional: A shorter version of the HS story is online at http://www.news.com.au/national/grab-a-man-or-miss-out-church-warns-girls/story-e6frfkvr-1226348223822 but the print verion is like the Director's Cut with extra bonus nonsense. ---------- *Kudos, Damien Currie and Brendan Lucas **Apologies/thanks to John Clarke

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It's too easy to be cynical, dismissive, snide. To decry popular culture as some sort of lowbrow wannabe impersonation of real art. To say Instagram is fauxtography for hipsters, or Twitter is conversation for the socially retarded, or Justin Beiber makes songs for people who can't handle real music.

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